Childhood

Childhood

Because we could light up our vices,
And blame our wrecked childhood for it that taught us to spell
A-b-u-s-e
Through deep scars underneath our shirts –
We circled past riotous memories of merry-go-rounds and ice lollies,
And with each spin, we hoped to sprout wings from our gaping slits
Or pretended they were lightning bolts,
Depending on the fantasies we took resort to.

And yet,
Our bodies were warehouses
Of problematic experiences and muted traumas under the garb of
P-r-i-v-i-l-e-g-e
Force-fed thrice a day,
Washed down with cheap painkillers –
Sometimes, that was the only means to escape;
That, and the blue sky.

Even now, we look for that eight-year-old stray
Hiding behind the closet drapes,
To apologise for the monsters we made.

We are still learning to water our cracks
And untangle our organs from their cage.

24 June 2018

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A Parable of Loose Ends

A Parable of Loose Ends

To every three times I contemplate suicide,
On the fourth, I look up at the cotton-candy clouds and realise
How some habits are as vaguely delightful as pink, sticky fingers,
Covered in grime and longingness.

I am a euphemism for escapism;
I delight in playing noughts and crosses with my panic attacks and anxiety –
Whoever wins, I lose.

If I could be a punctuation mark,
I’d be an ellipsis…
For all the unfinished sentences and interruptions
That contorted themselves and snuggled under my skin
Like monologues I dissected at the operation table,
Desperate to find an answer.

My depression cloaks herself like Snow White’s stepmother
And presents me with the poison apple of self-doubt –
Only I sink my teeth into it, mistaking it for Hope.

People who try to tell you that mosaics and kaleidoscopes are beautiful
Are often the ones who use ‘broken’ as a synonym to describe people –
Little clockwork toys
With the spring twisted the wrong way,
For isn’t it carnage, regardless,
Even if you hemorrhage internally?

Between you and me,
We don’t kiss and tell if it was more cigarettes or regrets;
We let the embers die and try to trace a constellation of what remains.

19 June 2018

Skin

Skin

How do I love myself? –
A draggled mess of rotting flesh
Gift-wrapped in a pretty package
Of plastered smiles and frayed dreams
And absurdities –
I have measured my highs
In varied stages of ecstasy
And one of them even made me believe
That my indifference is leading a double life
Torn between

My 2 A.M. self and 6 P.M. beliefs
When my skin changes colour,
Like dull Autumn leaves
No Spring or Summer could be
An Antidote
Or Elixir.

What would you know?
Of violence painted as battle scars
Of monosyllables cloaking my S.O.S
Like a magic trick…
And tomorrow
I won’t look at my hands and wonder
Why my fists weren’t firm enough
To hold back the vestiges
Of our meaningless sighs.

18 February 2018

Soliloquize

Soliloquize

Sometimes…
I seek thrills and frills
In motley distractions
And amnesiac pills –
I roll up into a ball of lies

My heart, a bulbous paperweight
Is a poltergeist in disguise.

For I have the soul of a wretched magpie
Obsessed with your gemstone eyes.
And I bleed…and bleed…and bleed…
Inside.

Love’s slow death
One gasp at a time,
My tongue grows numb and asinine
In your mouth, I swallow words
And make a count –
I keep a memorabilia of your frowns.

For you mauled my thoughts
With a carving knife.

Unsystematic tales
Have me wrecked in two –
I repeat my sentences till they sound
Like you.

14 February 2018

Combustion

Combustion

For every utterance
Would raise a smoke
And I, emaciated from the lack of
Warmth,
Would slowly creep into the furnace
To find my home.

I have cold feet from nightmares
Where I’m falling into an abyss
Of your seduction, your words moisten
My inner thighs –
I’ve stopped looking for distorted mirrors
In the eyes of strangers
Who force my nonchalance
Into tight-fitting clothes
And put me up for show.

I rise in smoke –
An oxymoron.
For in this deafening silence,
We are alone together, tracing outlines
Of our nameless failures
Packed in little boxes with felt pen labels –

We have climbed into the box,
To feel its teeth, sink into our flesh
Tearing us apart,
One memory at a time –

We have toyed with the idea
Of combusting
Our petty narratives
To smoke.

4 February 2018

Mermaid

Mermaid

My edges, once sharp,
Blurred,
When I saw how melancholic your
Skies turned by evening.

I collected your clouds
In tiny satchels and paper bags
And read them like tarot cards –
Your face, in all its mirth,
Was paler than mine
In its sunset hues.

You should see,
How in my lunacy
I crave for your hands to lift my thoughts
And create little Plasticine dolls –
Do you know how much I’d give up,
To go up in smoke?

I dread on the days
My curtains weigh heavier than
The reproaches I hurl at myself
To make my skin bulletproof to your indifference.

I am a mermaid –
My body,
Is torn by halves
Into a minefield and the deep, blue sea.

18 January 2018

 

Wanderess

Wanderess

There was a girl who wanted
A ticket to the stars.
With a galaxy in her lungs, and peppermint eyes
She rummaged through dumpsters
Of ashen faces that spoke a bunch of decayed lies.
And on certain nights, she let out
A strangled cry.

She played with marbles,
And wholesome words
For which she apologized –
There was a girl with creepers of clichés,
And an obsessive need to spell her name
In case you missed the ‘Y’.
Her kisses tasted like echoes
And question marks from quoted lines.

Along the edge of a spider’s web
In an aquarium full of fireflies,
She smoked her lover’s cryptic words
Soaked, in a vat of contradictions.

We’re receding…receding…
To lilac Springs
In Technicolor,
And paper cranes
With broken wings.

28 December 2017

 

image courtesy: Sourav Chakraborty (https://www.facebook.com/Isglad?fref=hovercard&hc_location=chat)