There, they go again…
‘What is it that you wish to be?’
Anticipation in their eyes
Empty eyes. Unfeeling eyes.
Eyes that make me squirm.
I smile nervously, and vaguely speak
In a voice and of a dream
That is hardly my own.
Is it me who just said that?
And does it speak anything of my dreams?
Because I know I’ve been struggling,
Struggling so hard for all these days
Seeking to find myself within me.
I know I’m lost
Somewhere, amidst the dissension,
Amidst the expectations of them
Who don’t matter now, or probably once did…
People. Innumerable people.
I feel claustrophobic, and I need to breathe.
Empty roads, dead leaves, broken splinters and dreams
And the feet that crushed those…
Will I be crushed, too? I wonder…
Every dawn breaks with the same, dull hue
And I smile and writhe in pain anew…
They laugh at my paranoia, yet do they know?
Of the kaleidoscope of my dreams that you broke
Taught me to reach out far beyond
Only to pull me down, and say,
‘Dreams end, from where reality begins…’
And that was when I ceased to complain…
They present me as a paradigm
Of perfection and equanimity
I wish they had not…
For all I ever wanted, was to be like you
Nothing exceptional, or anything new
You’ve seen my exterior, composed and calm
Yet so oblivious of what goes underneath
All these days, I’ve been trying so hard
To be me…
And still they won’t let me be!
The shoes were beautiful
Of satin and gilded gold
But they wouldn’t fit me, for they weren’t of my mould
And my ankles bled…
They forced me in it, saying it looked beautiful on my feet
But what of my ankles
They have big dreams for me
But those are not the dreams that I had foreseen!
I have traded my dreams and let it be…
Muted myself with difficulty,
Trying to believe that it’s for my good.
Except that a voice seems to bother me…
Somewhere down, quelling your conscience isn’t that easy.
I put up a façade to show I’m blissful
And you believed in me…
Being economical with the truth has come so naturally
That I’ve forgotten to distinguish
From candor to mendacity
And that is how it has all come to be.
December 5, 2012